The Way My Stupid Head Works.

*This section, as you may have guessed from the title is about the inner workings of my brain and is devoted to things I notice about my mental process that I assume are not universal to all humans and therefore merit logging here.*



The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 20 : New Little Update:

I just realized that I hate it when songs in iTunes or folders in the pc have a mix of caps and non caps for the first letter…

eg. ‘Live for the Kill.’ ‘Born in the USA,’ ‘Breed to Breathe,’

… and now feel compelled to change them all, all the bastards, there’s probably a couple of hundred.

At least I can deal with it as I notice them instead of in one giant session, but still… I wish I didn’t care.


The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 19 : Signature Series:

In musical instrument commerce, there is a situation whereby certain instruments will become endorsed by famous artists and have their name and logos attached to the product, sometimes physically. For example, I was looking to buy a new snare drum recently and thought that the Joey Jordinson of Slipknot Signature Snare Drum would be a good choice. I had considered that as it is in my local music shop but to be honest I’m to vain to play a signature snare because it projects this air of ‘I want to be that drummer,’ which I’ll never live up to talent-wise.

I’d much rather want to be Joey without anybody knowing if I did. Also, if I did actualy buy that, its not because I want to be Joey but because it seemed like a high quality instrument… but the fact that it was his sig would make me look like I did just want to be Joey.

Same goes with Deep Purple, Pantera signature drums too, but Slipknot is especially hard because so many people get snobby about Slipknot.
Or… in other words, I can’t act on the information that the drum is a sound choice due to Bullshit social attitudes I’m too weak or unwilling to sidestep.

Leaving aside the whole Paranoia minefield about signature artists attachment to things driving the prices of junk-drums up to good-prices and therefor confusing the market so more pounds doesn’t equal more quality.


The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 18 : How Good Is It?:

Sometimes, and by that I mean often, I will find myself comparing two albums for quality (as music is my primary hobby and area of interest) and think to myself that one album is greater than the other, when I in fact actually think that the other one is better, if you follow.
For the purposes of illustration, lets say the albums are in this instance, Far Beyond Driven and The Great Southern Trendkill both by Pantera.
I will find myself thinking that Trendkill is immeasurably better than Driven because supposedly Driven ‘only has a few good songs on it.’
In actual fact, the first five songs on that album are arguably five of the best songs in recorded history and logically the album is of outstanding quality because it features them. Seam reasonable ?
What my head is obviously doing behind my back (see early entries for the anthropomorphisation of my head as separate from me) is concluding that those five songs ‘don’t count,’ towards the quality of the album, because they are famous in their own right and only songs that a non-fan would not know from music videos or general fame ‘count towards,’ the quality of the album.
This is a ludicrous stance that I disagree with… but I am me and I am the one who is doing it.
I may have mis-sold to you in the opening of this entry just how often this happens, this is something that happens on at least a daily basis and sometimes more often even than that.


The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 17 : Mind Time:

Sometimes I think I’d like to get into a new band but feel like I can’t or it’d be pointless because of the feeling that ‘Its getting the mind-time to absorb it.’
I still haven’t really gotten into Opeth, who were suggested to me a good few years ago and numerous times since because my brain-schedule is full.

Of course the system of mind-time isn’t perfect because it can be corrupted when some strong urge for a genre such as watching Freaks and Geeks last summer leading me to strongly crave Classic Rock, to the almost abandonment of the NWOAHM wave I was riding at the time at the height of my Shadow’s Fall fandom (Nerdiest sentence ever- sorry) or getting into Thrash around the time of my GCSE’s completely rewriting my listening tastes and plans.

The amount of music I can handle has to cope with all the music I already have, plus all the time I’ve allocated to this year’s new releases from bands I like… plus all the time that I have put aside for Judas Priest, Deep Purple and other long-career bands that I got into last summer that I still haven’t fully dealt with.

If I listen to anything new now it won’t sink in properly, because of my aforementioned brain. For example, in the last semester or so, I still may as well have not bought Achitect’s Hollow Crown or Serj Tankian’s Imperfect Harmonies because I’m on such a big Judas Priest/Deep Purple/Exodus/Marillion wave right now I can’t get into either of them.

It is the reason I haven’t listened to the new Mushroomhead or Amon Amarth albums yet and why I wouldn’t pick up, for example the A Prizefighter Inferno album or Carl Barrat’s debut solo album… I don’t have the mind-time to deal with it.

This can also be applied to television series. I can only keep about 1-3 hour long dramas on the go simultaneously, and about 1-5 half hour comedies on the go simulatniously. I can get the higher numbers if some are on DVD while some are on TV, or iPlayer. The separate contexts helps to add another number to the list, but if all were on DVD for example, then I’d only have one of each genre and have to finish one completely before starting another in that genre.

With computer games the ‘TV Series Genre,’ can be replaced with ‘Gaming Platform,’ so I could keep one game on PC and one on PS3 going simultaneously but not really a whole bunch on the same system. However, I can add an extra number to the list if one is being played on split screen co-op.

I don’t really know what dictates how much brain-time is allotted to what, or why something gets its own category for ‘on-the-go-simultaneously,’ situations, but I imagine it stretches back to my brain’s compartmentalization feature, which has been discussed in a previous one of these entries.

The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 16 : Playlists a Drum Itch:

Just a small update, I know I haven’t added anything to this page in a long time and each new addition is less descriptive of my brain overall than the very first couple of entries but I can only add these as they hit me.
Anyway here goes:
Playlist creation is something I really enjoy and have done for almost a decade. Enjoy may not be entirely the right term, perhaps ‘am compelled to do,’ is more accurate. I take the songs I find to be most representitive of my idea of an artist and group them together in a set of self imposed rules (usually the rule is that the list cannot exceed CD length and must include one item from each of the bands studio albums) primarily centered around the concept of creating a ‘greatest hits.’
I have been doing this in some form or other for a long time, first with cassette tapes to listen to on the school bus, to blank cds to convert other people to band fandom, to blank cds for car journeys, to playlists on my mp3 player or iPod.

That is not really the ‘my brain,’ part of the issue, just some context. No, what I’d like to point out about my brain is that now (and I mean for about eight years now) anytime I listen to any song, or buy any new album I am judging it for inclusion in a playlist, wondering if it will fit on a blank cd and which already selected tracks I’d have to remove for its inclusion.
It is almost completely impossible for me to hear a single track of music and not plan its inclusion or exclusion from a hypothetical playlist, it absolutely dominates my first impressions of new music.

Secondly, the Drum Itch. In exactly the same way, I hear a song and judge it for learning to play on the drums, my muscles actually physically twitch and imagine playing, my brain counts repetitions of parts and goes as far as to offer an actual word-based, speech-like commentary with phrases like ‘That sounds difficult,’ or ‘I wonder how many toms he is using,’ interrupting my listening experience. This goes further than just spoiling first impressions but I would wager form over 75% of any listening experience I have.

I don’t know if these are common brain practices or not, but I noticed them and thought them worthy of addition to this section. Thoughts ?


The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 15 : How I organize things PART 2:

I have now, in an attempt to be a bit less mental, alphabetized my music collection instead of the way I’d been using for the last decade. That being said, it did take up at least an hour of my Christmas Eve.
See Here


The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 14 : How I organize things :

My method, tied directly to my mind and how I define everything in tiny categories works really well and if I want something I can work out where it is in a heartbeat, based on how my brain works.
But most of my friends and family alphabetize and if they want something of mine can’t find it because my way makes no bloody sense and is unnecessarily awkward and unintuitive.

With me, I keep everything separate like Games, DVDs and CDs
Within each they are broken down into genres, then into bands or directors, then they go left to right from oldest to newest,

BUT, each band/movie cluster is placed from left to right by fewest albums to most albums (slash films in a series)

So if you look at the very left of my shelf it would have the one Devil Driver cd I own, and to the very right you would find Wrath, the newest of six Lamb of God albums, which are the band from the same genre (in this case NWOAHM) with the most cds.
That would be say shelf 3, and on 1 it would be Jethro Tull on the far right with their 20 odd Cds in chronological order from left to right and on the far left the three Caravan CDs (also prog)

Films are bunched together by genre and director, with all similar ones bunched together in chronological order from right to left, so The 42 Year Old Virgin is in a row with Pineapple Express in the Middle and Get Him To The Greek at the end.

Games, are by genre firstly, by age certification 2ndly and by series 3rdly, with entries that have a 15 and an 18 on the borders of each zone, reverse chronologically if necessarily even if the other series are placed chronologically.

The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 13 : Ass-Bakwards :

I heard someone in the supermarket the other day say that they liked Justin Beiber and imediately lift a copy of Twilight New Moon on DVD.

I found myself thinking ‘This is unusual, NOONE likes Justin Beiber or Twilight. EVERYONE hates them.’

Then a few seconds later I realised how epically retarded that thought was, but it is interesting that I had it. It seems living in a metal bubble for a decade has really distorted the perception of reality.


The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 12 : A Couple of Pounds :

Why is it that when you, by which I mean I, see something priced a few pounds over what I expect and think it is such a big problem.
For example, I think 17 pounds is too high a price to pay for a Blu Ray. £15 is a much more pallateable price to me but when you look at it, the £2 isn’t that huge a difference. What are you going to do with that £2 anyway ?
I am fully aware that you should keep it each time, accumulate an army of £2s and then have a much higher ammount of money altogether. I understand finnancial responsibilty and savings and I also understand discipline and not conceeding to your every whim.
That being said, when you have already made a decision to buy something and can absolutely afford it and have no other commitments for that money before your next amount of money enters your possesion… why the big internal struggle over that extra £2?
Of course, I am absolutely glad of this frugle mechanism and hope it never goes away. It is a useful tool indeed, I just wonder why it is there in the first place. Is it a side product of responibility or just of fear. Fear of having too little money… or fear or irresponsibility itself ?
Or a third option even that doesn’t immediatly spring to mind ?



The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 11 : Memory Thumbnails:

Haven’t posted in here for a while. This is mostly because I’ve been trying to overcome all my flaws and partly because when I think of anything I’ve had something more important to do like weight lifting, meal preparation or Uni work.
Anyway… I thought of something appropriate again and here it is:
‘Memory Thumbnails,’
When I look at an episode of television, a film or a song I haven’t heard in a few days my mind will play back to me a short section of content. This usually helps me to decide if I want to use the media in question.
The problem however I find is that more and more the ‘memory thumbnail,’ is completly unrepresentitive of the actual piece of media.
So… for example last night I listened to a Megadeth CD I hadn’t heard for a while and when the track ‘Mary Jane,’ was about to come on I remebered my thumbnail and was almost tempted to skip the track because the music in this thumbnail was totally rubbish. I let the track play anyway just out of interest and the thumbnail turned out to be completely unrepressentitive of the song at all and the only 10 seconds of the song that weren’t pretty great actually.
This especially often happens with TV episodes, where one plot point or subplot will imprint themselves on my memory and I’ll decide if I like the epiosde or not based on this tiny point. Especially with American Dad and Family Guy, I’ll think an entire episode is bad based on one sketch or bad story even if the episode happens to be very strong with the exception of that 20 second memory.
Also, a thing I have began to notice is that these memories are usually created when some flaw is present in the media, like a poor lyric, a bizzare choice or an unfunny joke.
I’m not entirely sure how to overcome this as of yet, because I haven’t figured out yet how to alter the process by which I form these memories in the first place.



The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 10 : TIRTTWNIR Edition

Sometimes I wonder if people can read my thoughts and try to mentally say funny things to make them laugh and catch them out. Then I realize that the whole notion is retarded.


Also sometimes I think people are watching me when I am alone and will raise a middle finger to a completely empty room and put on a disapproving face as if I knew all along that they were watching me and I have just become bored of the situation.Then I realize that the whole notion is retarded.


Also sometimes I don’t take situations in fully because I’m too busy considering how I write about them if I was writing an autobiography. Then I realize that the whole notion is retarded.


TIRTTWNIR . Its a bit weighty and difficult but I reckon it could become a thing on facebook, in txts etc If I just put it on urban dictionary then use it a bunch on forums until other people pick it up.
Eg. I was going to buy the same DVD twice TIRTTWNIR
Ehy ? I reckon it could work. You heard it here first, 16/07/10.






The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 9


Hello, you may notice that I have slightly changed the layout of this ever changing glorp of a page. This is primarily for reader clarity as well as a jolly good spell check and this post, which at first doesn’t seem like an entry about how my mind works but more like a janitor’s note explaining that the Pringels are in the other cupboard now.


Any way, I have noticed another thing about my mind and thought i should add it to these hallowed pages. Compulsive rounding up.
I have a real difficult time telling someone the exact time, something’s exact price or my own height or weight because of my almost compulsive need to round things up to either what shows me in the most favourable light or what I think the person wants to hear.


This is not on purpose. I’m not actually so vain that I have to make myself look brilliant all the time and I don’t actually care what people want to hear. At least this is how I think that I think and how I choose to choose, even if the evidence seems to often contradict me.


For example, I have been on a tangent of losing weight recently and when I read the scale it will change weekly from one three figured number to another. So, if I read 200 units of measurement one week and 190 units of measurement the next week, mathematically I have lost 10
units. Correct ?


However; if I then read 189 units the following week, I have mathematically lost only 1 units of measurement, or 11 since I began.
What my brain will tell me however, seeing the ’80,’ on the scale is that I have in fact lost 20 units of measurement since I began.
When the scale reaches 179 units of measurement, my brain will continue this farce convincing me that I have in fact lost 30 units of measurement since I began and so on.


Its not as if I am purposefully lying in order to deceive anyone but I think it does kind of display a wishfully thinking vanity in my character I was hitherto unaware of.


Oh well, you aren’t perfect either, so fuck you ! Stop being so judgmental !






The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 8

Me and my big mouth.





The Way My Stupid EARS Work:

I thought the Mar Volta sucked and were a big disappointment until Amputecture came out. Then I ‘got them,’ and they are definitely not a disappointment.
…AND their ‘Frances The Mute,’ album completely eluded me for a few years after that, I only ‘got it,’ around this Christmas and it just turned like a light switch from a jumbled mess into a tightly constructed piece of genius.
And Machine Head, I first heard Supercharger, and I bought Burn My Eyes and thought, for about five years that it was the same type of one finger guitar, Nu Metal music. I didn’t ‘Hear,’ that album for fucking ages and one day I put it on after listening to Pantera and realised it was very heavy, thrashy and groovy.


Its almost as if my brain plays a different album, one closer to what I expect to hear and I don’t actually hear what the band recorded until later.





The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 7

I keep thinking of good examples of thought patterns and notions peculiar to me when I’m out and about and then forgetting them by the time I get near a computer which is why this page hasn’t been updated in a while.
Also I’m exercising more these days which is supposedly great for depression and clarity of thought, but which obviously limits the amount of critical introspection you get up to in an evening.
Here is a list of somethings I hate though:


1. People who sign their reviews on Amazon, for example:


This Album is good. I like the songs on it and enjoy it.

Calum Such and Such.


As if the reviews were so important they needed signing. As if amazon didn’t already sign them all ABOVE the review with a link directly to your profile and all of your reviews. AS IF YOU WERE A WANKER!
– That was pretty unfair I suppose, these people mean no harm, but I resent it even though I shouldn’t (have you met Me and my Brain?)


2. Sensationalist headlines that demand you to read on but turn out to be pointless.

‘Are Pink Floyd Getting Back Together?’ – Click – ‘No, says Roger Waters.’

I hate the kind of prick that has to go and phrase his story about a Roger Waters interview or something similar like that, in that bloody irritating way.


3. The hugely condescending way in which people view metal fans in the media. I saw an advertisement today for a show which wanted to get people who don’t understand Opera to appreciate it. Right, understand that premise ? In the same advert, the presenter LAUGHS RIGHT IN A TEENAGE KID’S FACE – RIGHT IN HIS FACE, for saying that he listened to Death Metal.


First of All, ignoring issues of personal space and what people should expect when agreeing to appear on TV, that is so condescending to literally find the very idea of Death Metal laughable and to display it in the most immediate and obnoxious way possible.

But the most important thing here is that the premise of the show is educating people about a misunderstood and under-appreciated art form, WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. I very much doubt the editors give much time in the final show to a reasonable, measured, realistic, educated and informative defense of Death Metal or draw comparisons between the two based on public misunderstanding of the two mediums.


I know the sentiment exists in the world that you shouldn’t care what other people think, or also the sentiment that you don’t want everybody to like metal because there are certain types of people who would likely spoil it, but it still gets under my skin when people misunderstand it so fundamentally.





The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 6: War on Reality.

One of my greatest flaw is my eternal battle with my mortal enemy, the word ‘Real,’ for example ‘I need a REAL job.’
‘I should go to a REAL university.’
‘I bet REAL people don’t do this.’
Relentless, soul crushing reality constantly threatens to drown me in its icy waters as I enviously claw at it, wishing to be ‘REAL,’ but fearing it almost as much.

Is it interesting that I don’t consider myself to be a real person ? Especially because of how judgmental of others I can be, but these disparate aspects of my consciousness are stored in different compartments which are only opened separately.
Intellectually I know that my concept of reality is a bland ‘side effect,’ of mass media tropes, of lazy pigeon holing and marketing men manipulating me to aspire to the various lifestyles they glorify in order to sell me dental insurance, lazer eye surgery, Coca Cola and an inflatable-dog -house.

I know all of this but I cannot translate that knowledge into feeling and chemically reverse whatever biological processes are occurring which make me feel as though I am not real.
The Grass is Always Greener. FOH SHOW
I’m using selective reinforcement methods to confirm who is real and how many real people there are. UH HUH
I’m basing my assumption that other people are REAL on little to nothing, they could be basket cases, pedophiles or feel just like me and I couldn’t tell. I KNOW

I Know, I know, I bloody Know.
But I can’t overcome it. So yeah, that pretty much sucks.
I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of all this, I’ve never heard it expressed before, either because its unique to me or because its so universal no one ever thought to say it aloud in a medium I’d have observed. Does that make me a poet. Am I breaking new ground in the field of stating the basic human truths ?
Or am I a bloody fruit cake?
Send your answers on a stamped addressed envelope.





The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 5: My Brain Special

This really should have been the first entry. My Brain.
My brain s an anthropomorphic character I use in real life conversation, to describe a part of myself.

My brain may sometimes be the straight man, or sometimes the foil.
I think it says something about myself that ‘ME,’ and ‘My Brain,’ are separate people who live in the one building. My goals and opinions offer differ from those of ‘My Brain,’ even though its MY fucking brain!

In 2007 or so I speculated that it was a Dionysuss and Apollo situation, (coincidentally after listening to Rush’s Hemispheres album….((Coincidentally my ass!))) and that ‘I,’ or ‘Me,’ probably represented my primal desires and that ‘My Brain,’ probably represented knowledge and safety concerns which conflicted with the selfish baser desires.

So for example If ‘I,’ think I have no friends in some petty moment of self-pity, ‘My Brain,’ will remind me of all my friends (like you, Paul) who I might have compartmentalized away (see my compartmentalization entry) from my brain’s (different character yet again, referred to in the same way as a computer filing and storage system) friends lists, due to odd reasons like distance, last contact date or where we first met.

Another example would be me and my brain’s differing opinions on my home town. I want to return there but my brain just wants to stay away from the place.
I rationalize that being near my friends is worth it, where as my brain reminds me of the drawbacks, of what I hated about the place when I was there, of economic, personal safety and interpersonal reasons.
Twisted constantly between nostalgia and resentment for said hometown its difficult to belong anywhere, old or new.

So, if you ever meet me in real life, within 24 hours you’ll have witnessed me have a disagreement with my own brain. If you’ve read this you’ll probably notice.





The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 4.: The Two Cs

My brains two most common functions are a) Completion-ism and b) Compartmentalisation.

I’ll give you a few examples; for instance, in the real of consumerism I really want to collect… oh say, all of Testament’s albums, BUT THEN even better, to collect all of Testament’s thrash albums.
Compartmentalising many band’s albums into periods is what I seem to spend most of my thoughts on.

This applies to many consumerist media forms like films.
I don’t care about the new Michael Bay movie but I will have to see the Rogen/Apotow/Rudd gang movie.

These films include:
Role Models, Observe and Report, I Love You Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him To The Greek, Pine Apple Express, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, The Forty Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad and Funny People
Also I’ve throw Juno, Year One, Adventureland and the Hangover into that mental pile.

Now, sure these actors share a few actors, plot points, a few have the same director, many have some ties to either Arrested Development, Undeclared or The Office (American one) in some way, but its not exactly like one band made all these albums yet the power of my brains compartmentalization ray has zapped reality into shape so that, in fact they indeed ARE one collection of films.
As a completionist it is therefor difficult to watch one and not the others, or own one and not EVERY SINGLE OTHER ONE.
The main problem is re-watching one for a specific reason will inevitably lead to me rewatching all of them in quick succession lest I feel ill and die.




The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 3: For the Hoard.

I am a Hoarder. I fucking hate throwing stuff out, today I was supposed to throw away old clothes that no-longer fitted me. I got rid of one Slayer t-shirt, one Mushroomhead t-shirt (which; when I last accidentally ripped it up and had to throw it out, I bought an exact copy on eBay) and then I couldn’t do it.
I have a Megadeth, a Black Sabbath, the baggy as hell giant Pantera t-shirt from my drumming video and two Pink Floyd t-shirts that are literally without exaggeration big enough to fit me in them twice, and I cannot bear to throw them out, even if I just stuff them in a cupboard and forget about them until this happens again next year.
Every time it comes to move house or redecorate I am tasked with getting rid of things I no-longer need. This usually results in failure and nothing leaves me until about four years after the first time I can’t throw it out. I have many scraps of paper from school, keys to nothing, games to obsolete systems, dried up paint pots, broken dvds and loose random crap like old pens, glasses that are scratched and don’t work, cheap children’s digital watches that haven’t worked in a decade and it’ll take me the better part of a century to work up the ability to discard them.


I usually keep magazines for about five years before they get lost, destroyed or sometimes thrown out when moving.
It never occurred to me that you could NOT keep them until just now, I still have 12 year old White Dwarf and 6 Year old Metal Hammers following me around the country. I’ve long since lost interest in ever looking at them and hide them in a cupboard out of sight for years at a time, but can’t actually throw them out of my own volition.


And my Cd collection, I love that thing. My friends and family are largely abandoning the CD medium for financial, preferential or storage reasons, but I will never, ever, ever, be able to be without this. It’d take a serious fire/flood to separate me from it and even then, I would just rebuild it over time.

Even CDs I don’t like, I must keep. On two occasions in my teens I got rid of CDs I didn’t like, and I’ve got most of them back or rebought most of them, and it still irritate me not having the ones I haven’t re-got yet.
Also I lost a Mudvayne DVD, and I just re-bought it this week.


Here are a list of CD examples of the times in my teens I got rid of CDs:
Arch Enemy – Wages of Sin (I don’t even like this at all, sold to a mate, then re-bought it back off him because I missed having it)
Machinehead – Supercharger (lost in a car trip, never recovered. Swapped Roots to get it back)
Sepultura – Roots (had, swaped, swaped back, sold, rebught, lost. Havn’t re-got yet… but who knows?)
Mudvayne – The End of All Things To Come (Swapped, Swapped back)
Marilyn Manson – Antichrist Superstar & Mechanical Animals (Swapped, swapped back, swapped, swapped back again, and again)
Amen – We Have Come For Your Parents ((Swapped, swapped back)
Rammstein – Mutter (Sold it, miss it, want it back)
Limp Bizkit – Significant Other (Sold it, miss it, want it back, don’t actaually like it enough to though)


And a special mention goes out to:
Alien Ant Farm – Antology (hated it, got rid of it. Want it back for some bloody reason even though I’d resent its presence)
Papa Roach – Infest (hated it, got rid of it. Want it back for some bloody reason even though I’d resent its presence)
Gorillaz – whatever their debut was called (hated it, got rid of it. Want it back for some bloody reason even though I’d resent its presence)
Eminem – The Marshal Mathers LP & The Slim Shady LP (hated them, but keenly feel their loss. WHY ???)
Will Smith – Willenium (Seriously ? Why do I miss this ?)




The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 2.

Things I cannot care about or understand.

1. Clothes – I honestly cannot understand the difference between a ten quid and an 80 quid pair of jeans, the way I carry myself, they’d both look like crap on me, but if I pay the cheap ones I’m not trying and failing, I’m just not trying. Which may be tantamount to a failure but I get to feel misunderstood and secretly superior if you think its a failure.
Or something.

2. Cars – ‘Oh, the new Nissan Smengs are gorgeous,’ ‘Oh The Vauxhaul Economy Stimulus Package is the ugliest car I’ve ever seen,’ ‘Yeah, Jeff… he drives that red Toyota.’ It all means nothing to me, I have no ability to remember the thousands of differnet cars, know they difference between them and for the longest time didn’t know what badge belonged to which company. I can’t tell which ones are good and bad, as it all seems like tribal opinions of tribes I don’t understand and who think I’m a wanker anyway.
Is it still embarrassing to drive a Skoda ? and if so why ?

3. Street Names – ‘Oh, just go up Shaftsbury Square, past James Street, take a left on Dyson’s Corner and head onto O’Driscol street, from there its a straight shot to where you asked for.’
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? I realize you probably have either some innate gift for memorizing street names or else learned them over a period of decades but it means NOTHING to me.

4. Distances – Its a good forty Yards away.
Is it ? Is it really. Well, Sir I’ll have you know that that means NOTHING to me either.
I am unable to remember what each unit of distance looks like as a straight line in the first place, and even if I was I couldn’t extrapolate what forty yards was.

5. Actors.
I know like 25 actors. That’s it. I don’t understand how people can hate Aylssa Millano. I don’t even know who he or she is.

6. Sports.
Just .. No. Watching, Playing, Hearing about… all leave me cold. I would be such a better human being if I could give the slightest shit about sports but it is never going to happen.

How much of a disadvantage is this ? A HUGE disadvantage, because I look and dress like an idiot, can’t tell where I’m going, can’t keep up with the majority of conversations human beings are having. ‘Oh, Up The Sunderland, by the way I bought a Vectra and drove up Puttney Road where I saw Kevin Bacon from a furlong away,’
How am I ever supposed to be a Policeman, Taxi driver, Delivery man, Postman, Fireman, Asda worker, security guard, care salsemen, clothes salesman or bloody 5,000 other things if I can’t tell if the famous actress who’s name escapes me is standing beside a mysterious car wearing some… clothes an indeterminate distance away ?




The Way My Stupid Head Works: Volume 1: Resentments.

I resent people who cite ‘Reign in Blood,’ ‘Nevermind,’ ‘Back in Black,’ ‘Appetite For Destruction,’ or any other similarly lauded, popular and sucessful classic album as their favourite album by that band, or especially ever. I also resent people wearing t-shirts depicting the album covers of the albums.

What’s weird though, is I resent other people who resent people for choosing said albums. I mean, they’re popular because many people like them. Why is that a bad thing. ‘Because its an Obvious Choice!’
‘So? That doesn’t mean they like it any less.’
‘Oh, fair enough then.’

I also resent people who choose obscure, unpopular albums or films to praise.
‘You think you’re so cool wearing a Cattle Decapitation t-shirt just so you don’t wear a very obvious Reign in Blood one.’
‘So? I like them,’
‘Oh, Fair enough then,’

Despite these thoughts of ‘Oh Fair Enough Then.’ it still pisses me off. How frustrating.

The same applies to films. I hate big summer blockbusters. Hate them to death. I also hate the supposed other choice, arty self important crap. Surely its one or the other ? But somehow I’ve found a way to hate both and only enjoy a very disparate and not necessarily obscure or world renowned selection of films across a range of genres designed to target different audiences.


  1. Some comments: My reason for selling CDs was due to that I simply couldn’t justify owning them. Financially, I didn’t benefit at all, as I can’t recall using that money for a single fucking thing, except I might have gotten Bioshock 2 with it.

    As far the war on reality, that’s pretty much what the Richard Herring book I’m reading atm is about, except he’s far more obsessive and self-flagellating about it than you seem to be. My advice- seriously, fuck everything. Nothing matters. I don’t mean to sound like a Slipknot song, but once you get this notion into your head, everything from applying to jobs to ordering food in Subway becomes an awful lot easier. You only have to please yourself. If you strive to please anyone worth pleasing (like family and friends), you’re still pleasing yourself by doing something worthwhile. In every aspect of life, everything boils down to a primordial selfishness, whether it seems that way or not. This is not a bad thing, necessarily. So indulge yourself and ignore every instinct you have to apply James to Reality just because you’ve been away from what’s really real (me, Cookstown, etc) for so long. Or something.

    Also, you have to have it out with your brain for adding Zack and Miri to your Apatow canon. I’m going to make you a chart that you can stick to that will sort these problems out once and for all.


  2. James you have to come visit Paul, think of it as some kind of relief work you’re doing for me.
    You see you are Paul and Paul is you.
    He gets angry alot about the stuff I’ve just read and I don’t really mind it, but I still have to listen to an angy man, so you see the problem?
    I would rather talk about nice sweeties or my favouite colours and whilst I could be off deciding which nice sweets have the best colours you and paul could be off being cross at stuff.
    My brain could take a little holiday…..


  3. You sticking up your finger to an empty room and giving a sly smile is one of the funniest images I have thought of in a long time! haha


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