The List Update:

I’m trying to make my list of the most-important-albums-you-need-to-understant-Metal up to a full 1000 now.

I’ve currently got 765.
Meaning there’s room for 235 more albums, to make it a full 1000.

So far it is:
The Rock Music That Got Us To Metal – 18%
The Punk Music That Got Us To Metal -11%
The Alternative Music That Changed Metal – 2%
The Different Types Of Metal – 69%

Hopefully by the time that its 1000, the actually-Metal percentage would be higher; 75% ideally.

Has anybody got suggestions for MUST-HEAR sorts of Metal albums that aren’t on it?

I’m especially interesting in adding Sludge, Power Metal and Black Metal albums. Also especially early traditional Metal albums, unarguable Heavy Metal records from around the same time as NWOBHM and up until the Thrash era.

The list is a bit unbalanced at the minute, you see.

Here is a breakdown of what I got so far:
20 = Pre-Metal
15 = Psychadelic
39 = Prog
23 = Rock
8 = Southern Rock
28 = Hard Rock/The Earliest Metal
37 = Glam-Hair Metal
42 = NWOBHM etc.
43 = Thrash
9 = Groove
48 = Death Metal
21 = Grind
38 = Black Metal Spectrum
16 = Folk Metal
9 = Symphonic Metal
18 = Power Metal
55 = Prog Metal Spectrum
10 = Funk Metal
18 = Industrial Metal
43 = Nu Metal Spectrum
6 = Southern Metal
12 = Grunge
7 = Other Alternative
80 = Punk/Hardcore/Crossover
46 = Stoner/Doom/Drone/Sludge
36 = Modern Metalcore/Deathcore
31 = Mathcore/Djent
10 = Critical Failures

Any help would be much appreciated.
Also I’m totally up for adding a thanks-list with weblinks to your personal blog if you want it.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Volume 46: Downset – Do We Speak A Dead Language?

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Volume 46: Downset – Do We Speak A Dead Language?

This is the forty-sixth entry of my blog series ‘First Impressions.’ In each entry of the series I write about discovering an influential or genre-classic album for the first time and then write about that experience in a semi-planned, semi-stream of consciousness manner that is less helpful than a traditional album-review, but which does contain more personal flavour.

I prefer my reviews to be serious and informative. ‘First Impressions’ allow for a more director’s commentary approach. I can be silly and talk bollox, or make points that only a handful of people will understand. Usually I will deliver insights into my history with similar music as well as into how my mind works and how both of these things change over time. You will have to either possess a fairly detailed understanding of Rock and Metal history and Subgenre conventions or have a second tab open at Wikipedia to fully follow every single point that I make, but don’t let that put you off…I’m not honestly expecting you to know every single riff or tone I’ll point out off by heart.

I’ve spent all week studying. Or watching videos that help me more than studying. Or lifting weights… while listening to podcasts related to studying! …for an exam that is tomorrow.

Now I need a break. So while I’m not busy filling my brain with Sympatheic Nervous Systems and Snurps and Sarcoplasmic Reticulums and Scalene muscles, I’m going to take a break to do some listening (Vestibulocochlear nerve stimulation?) to some Heavy Metal. (Insert periodic table joke if you aren’t feeling as lazy as me)

Usually, I’d have heard at least something from the album, or at least by the band, or another band that share members, or something before a First Impressions article. Maybe they have a hit single, or a friend liked them when I was younger but I wasn’t ready to try them yet, or maybe I saw their video on MTV2 or whatever… but not with Downset. I know nothing about Downset apart from their Genre. I’m going in completely blind here, trying them out purely on faith and the recommendation on Comedian/Blogger/Metal-Podcaster Stepehen Hill.

This is one of two albums I’ve bought purely off of his recommendation, the other being Pulkas’s Greed, but with that at least I checked out ‘Rubber Room’ on Youtube beforehand. These guys, nothing. Notta. Not one iota.

Now. If you’ve been reading these FI articles closely, you may know that Folicle Stimulating Hormone, Lutinizing Hormone, Beta Endorphines, Growth Hormone and Adrenocorticotropic Hormone are released from the Anterior Pituaitary, but what you may also know is that I am not a big hater of Nu Metal. I know Nu Metal is quiet looked down upon on the internet, but it was one of my primary entry points into Metal and I can see its merits as well as its flaws. Some people tend to overstress the flaws. Speaking of Flaw. Flaw were a Nu Metal band that were actually good. Check out their songs ‘You’ve Changed’ ‘My Letter’ and ‘Best That I Am’ if you’ve got the time, and decide for yourself.

This album, Do We Speak A Dead Language by Downset, is apparently quite a big influence on Nu Metal or at least a crucial vantage point from which to view how it developed. The band themselves were apparently under-appreciated despite tours with Pantera and Biohazard and broke up in 2009.

Shame? I don’t know yet. Let’s find out…

[Play]

Intro serves as an intro. Well, what did you expect? – It fades in so slowly I think its not playing. There’s some sexy sad bass lament that reminds me of Lateralus era Tool, and some jangling windchimes that remind me of Tool’s ‘Lost Keys (Blame Hoffman).’ There’s also some Martin Luther King speech that reminds me of Guns N Roses’ ‘Madagascar.’

Then the song starts. Its called ‘Empower.’ It sounds EXACTLY like Biohazard to the point where I think I’ve accidentally stuck on State Of World Address. I’m unsure of my purchase now. I mean. I like Biohazard a lot when I’m in the mood, but sometimes I’ll go a full year before the biohazard phase starts up again. I’m not currently in a Biohazard phase right now so both this isn’t set up for instant love and anyway, this is not what I was expecting. Oh. Some very fucking cool scooped chugs come in ala Dimebag. There’s awesome parts where the music stops and he shouts ‘Empower.’ You gotta know I love when bands do that by now. Dynmaics baby. You also gotta know that in the Parasympatheic nerevous system Pre-ganglionic nerves are long. Because my friend Paul is tall. In the Sympathetic system however preganglionic nerves are short. Because my former classmate Stanton was short. I guess you’d call that bit the chorus, now that I’ve seen it come back.

After a few rounds of Biohazard apeing and ‘empower’ breaks, the song takes a cool side road, it sounds very like Dimebag. It reminds me of ‘Domination’ and ‘Heresy.’ This bit has balls. They’ve got a lot of testosterone I’ll bet. Facilitated I’m sure by Gonadotropin. From the Anterior Pituiatary. Then a last chorus and its over.

The next tune, ‘Eyes Tight Shut’ arrives. Subtly. A kind of Deftonesily produced bassline opens it. And then whats this, it races off in a squat-jog away with this really sneaky System Of A Down-being Sneaky sort of riff. Where are you going?

Biohazard town is where. More Biohazard sounding, groovey rappy hardcore/Metal fusion. He sounds EXCACTLY like Evan Seinfield here. The chorus comes in, the riffs have cool tails on them that stop them being blind and generic. A kind of toned-down Zack Wylde action.
Oh. It goes in to these tom-slam staccato stop-starts. DUN DUN DUNDUN, DUNDUN, DEHDEH. “Further away from our selves.” This bit is cool. It reminds me of Undertow era Tool but a whole lot angrier and heavier. Then it goes into a beat underneath that and it sounds like a Doom metal version of Spheres Of Madness. Then a holding-pattern riff. Then it quiets down with a watery sounding bass line that surely must’ve had a video set on a shore, possibly with a drowning bandmember. Then it kicks back up. This has a lot of energy. I like it a lot. Then they add these little notes like a lead over the top, and keep shouting ‘Denial’ that both makes the end heavier and also more commercial. Its well done.

Keep On Breathing starts next. Very Deftonesy. Then there’s this very sudden Master Of Puppets-esque DUHN DUHN DUHN, that totally breaks the song. It starts up again, with this very funky, very Tom Morello influenced riff. Its got this rollin’ car sort of feel. It could be Clutch’s ‘Promoter Of Earthbound Causes’ if you squint your brain and ears. There’s two rounds of it, broke up by a brief heavier chorus, with a savage, savage guitar tone, and a little bass only bit. After the second time that Deftonesy intro comes back. This song is well put-together. Oh. Cool. A quick bit.

This quick bit calls back to my first memory of what hardcore was. You know the Hardcore that you associate with Scott Ian? With specifically sort of Among The Living. The kind of thing that you imagine circle pits originally started off with. It does one of them. Its awesome. It makes my brain very happy. That Chorus comes back. Then there’s this cool-as-fuck outro that involves those Puppets stabs cleverly reconfigured a couple of ways, and tom rolls with deliciously produced toms, and a general feeling of energy and ‘fuck yeah’ about them.

‘Hurl A Stone’ starts of with this shuppy flippy funky drum beat that you don’t get anymore. The kind John Otto specialized in. Why did they stop happening? They were cool. I get the parts of Nu Metal that are ignored these days being ignored right now, but why them? – Unfortunate casualties. Collatoral damage. Shame.

The song is kind of Biohazardy, yeah, but its got this speed and energy, and extra tails on the riffs, and details in the drumming that Biohazard wouldn’t have.
It has this massive sounding cut down-to build up middle. It unfortunately isn’t as payed-off as it should be (maybe they put more umph into it live and it really kicked off). But then a cool tom based stop-start comes in. I like those sorts of things. Then a fast bit with good drums and harsh vocals. Then the song does one of those things where it dies note by note and there’s a sort of sound effect like the song died, a sort of fading out “duuuuuuuuuu.” Y’know? One of those. Like songs sometimes do. Like the band ran out of batteries.

Maybe they have an infection that caused them to get sick and become too tired to finish? Natural Killer cells better investigate. But hey, if any pathogens are present I’m sure Helper-T Cells (CD4) will let other cells like Basophils and Macrophages know, via interlukins, that there are punk-ass cells that need chomping.

“Calor” means heat. ‘Fire’ has an intro. Then it has the best riff on the album so far. Its kind of like Hatebreed’s ‘Every Lasting Scar’ mixed with those Anthrax mosh bits I was talking about. Then, the song slows into this stilted grove. If there was a music video, the awesome riff would be shot with a normal horizontal shot, but when it slowed, the band would be diagonal, possibly half way up a skateboarding half-pipe. Then the grove beat changes and it goes halfway. Then the awesome riff comes back, but with shouted “Yeah, Yeah Yeah”s. That’d monsterous live. Hatebreed should cover it. It slows rights down with a bass break and then a slow part, but the beat …oh, it all, I can’t keep up, it galloped off quickly, proggily changing too fast for my fingers to keep up and then when the aforementioned awesome-riff comes in, there’s more bass and overdrive in the guitar tone and it sounds absolutely savage. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. This song is great. It reminds me of Tony Hawks Pro Skater 1 & 2 for some reason.

Huh. Speaking of Flaw… the next song, possibly a ballad, starts up with some emotional sounding bass lines that really really sound like Flaw. And I mean Really. Some guitar lead notes, some subtle drums. It kind of reminds me of the missing link between Flaw and Mudvayne. OOOP. No. Not a ballad. A Slow-ish Biohazard. A very fast bit.Its gone kind of Superjoint Ritual almost, the way the guitar chords whirl kind of like this: -_-__–_
There’s this awesome tail of five quick chugs on the second parts of each of those riffs that makes my brain soooo happy. I think there’s one on Metallica’s (underrated) ‘The Judas Kiss’ too.
Then the Flaw bit comes back again. Then the Biohazard with more detail bit again. Then the fast whurlawoo-ah-ooh bit again. Do you got any love in your heart? – Ooh. A cool stop-start with a lot of bite. It reminds me a lot of someone else I can’t recall right now. Then the fast bit again with more weight behind the drums to make it sound like a chorus. Then the Flaw bit with a slight variation, almost soloy. I love the way these guys put things together. Their structuring is so studied and clever.

‘Against The Spirits’. Feedback. Stick-clicks. Duhn Duhn Duhn, DeNeeegh. Ooooh. Very skateboardy riff. It reminds me of Hatebreed’s ‘The Language’ and the sort of Hardcore that Slayer covered on Undisputed Attitude, mixed with the heavier bits of Pennywise. Oh. A slow bit that’s really like Slayer’s cover of ‘Mister Freeze.’ Fast again. This song is a nice (literal) change of pace. Hmm. It seems they structure albums like they structure songs. Well played Downset. Well played.

‘Sickness’ opens up with some rappy vocal only repitions of a sentence I can’t quite make out. A Biohazard+ bit. OOOOh. Surprise Mudvayne sounding bass noodling bridge. Now a Deftones meets Downer vocal line in “I am not a lower form of human life.” Then Biohazard+ again. Then a shuffly feedback and shuffly funk beat interlude bit with the Downer chant again. Then it builds it up. I can hear Billy from Biohazard now. Oh. Then a bit with a very cool drum direction, that sentence from the intro again that I can’t make out ( “say cum killer” ? ) with a new light riff, but played like it’s a heavy part. Ah. Its just structurally very cool. Poverty is the worst form of violence repeated, over the downer-riff. Then the Downer sentence ending it, just slightly overshooting the end of the music. I’ll admit that that is a very stock-Nu Metal way to end a song, but since they pre-date a lot of Nu Metal, I think its appropriate to call it creative here.
Good song.

Then what sounds like more of that Clutch action. Oh. It quiets down into more RATM. It’s brighter and happier. This video would have sunshine in it. Woooh. Left turn chorus. Pocket full of fat caps. Over a bizzare bit. I can’t even describe it other than ‘squished.’
[Side note: ‘Squished’ would be a brilliant Cannibal Corpse song title. Just blunt. There’s comedy in that. Like Napalm Death’s ‘Hung’ has impact in its bluntness. ‘Squished’ just seems ludicrous sat there on its own.]
That is definitely the most Nu Metal thing about the whole album so far. (Also what are fat caps? Burgers? Money? Bullets? Condoms? Actual hats?
Daaaaamn. A cool, perfect-guitar-tone, stop-start, tom-based, break. Oh. Then some funk beats thrown behind it to give it a cool speed. Then the riff from My Own Summer as covered by Sick Of It All. Then boooom. Here comes Mr. Flannery (Incomperable and all). Nope. It was a misleading distraction tactic to throw us off the trail (Structure-based squeal of joy). Then that odd chorus fades us out and we’re done. Little touch gem, in like the fourth-to-last run through, while they’re fading out, the drummer throws a quick drum roll out on what almost sound like roto toms and its magnificent.

‘Sangre De Mis Manos’ comes next. It starts off like Slayer. But changes with a bass line. Then changes into complete Biohazardry. On with Spanish/Cuban/Portugese (I can’t tell, excuse my ignorance) vocals. The song has this cool thing where it feels mid-tempo, but its actually slightly too fast to be classed as such. My main problem with bad-Nu Metal is over slowness.
Oh. Cool mid section with deliciously produced tom rolls.
That was a brief, unremarkably song, with way more too it than it appeard. Secretly remarkably.

Then ‘Horrifying’ which starts off with one of those things I’ve talked about in the Cro Mags First Impression Article, those sabbathy things that loads of bands do, from Slayer, to Exodus, to C.O.C, to Cro Mags, to Biohazard (getting sick of me saying them aren’t you?). Except its kind of not one of those, because they are more like the bass driven bit near the start of ‘War Pigs’ by Black Sabbath (before the DEH NEH, (Chup chup chup chup chup chup, chuuhpcheya chupchup. ….Generals Gathered In Their Masseeeeeeees.) than this. This is more God Hates Us All Slayer doing a slow creepy bit. Also maybe Seasons In The Abyss’s title track. This one is also slow-but-secretly-fast.
It has a few similar bits, separated by slight changes and a few neat little details. It goes on a bit. Then another one of these bass rivers. With these sneaky as hell little intermittent didddle-ahs on some kind of woodblock or cowbell. Then it has a spoken word, politically driven part that reminds me of Prison Song by SOAD in spirit, but modern Slayer in sound. Its like a less-heavy version of the end of ‘Jihad.’ Then he shouts “horrifying” a lot and his voice is good. And my writing are good too. Eloquence innit? Then that Seasons In The Abyss thing ends the song. They add some extra little touches on the bass and lead though, cuz, fuck it, why not?

Then “Sickness (Reprise)” fades up (‘I am not a lower form of human life’/’poverty is the worst form of violence’) for a brief victory lap around the other song. It happens in a way that really reminds me of QOTSA’s Rated R album.

Then the next song is an absolute curve ball. A totally unexpected, piano featuring, CAPTIVATING, Prog-Alterna-Metal Anathema-esque moody build up with Spoken Words and hazy, threatening clean guitars that waft like smoke over these Justin Chancelor-covering-“Invalid Litter Deaprtment”-esque notes, its like the soundtrack to a suicide in a broken space station in a film. My brother would love this. Its also got that same feeling as you get, when you are totally into Marilyn Manson’s Holwood, and then ‘Count To Six And Die’ comes on, and you are waiting, waiting for him to shoot himself. Its cool.

Unexpected. But cool as fuck.

Then a final track…because to be honest, if you ended an album without one, people may just fall into a deep depression.

So. To stop everyone from being totally bummed out, ‘Ashes In Hand’ slowly build up, they shout ‘Sex Kills’ over and over again, in a weird wave. Then very suppressed-potential slow riffs. It reminds me of Prong. Ooooh. Then the song decides to not be disappointing and throws out one of those Scott Ian things speeding it up. Then this cool Lamb Of God groove bit with a Zack tail. Hmm. Then more of that suppressed thing. Then that L.O.G groove. Steal that chorus, throw it in the aftermath of some d-beat rampaging, and you have got yourself a fucking monster-groove on your hands. Oh. Speaking of which. The song stops, throws in one of those 0-60 acceleration snare rolls that Punk-spectrum bands do (listen to this song at about 2.01-2.10 and you’ll totally see what I mean) and then just such a d-beat rampage comes in. Then instead of dropping that L.O.G groove, the song gets interrupted, derailed even, by some new bits, then a Biohazard groove with more ‘Sex Kills’ screams. Then it seems like the song is over… then this Sam Rivers bit comes out’ve nowhere, and the song calms down into this slightly Prog-grunge ending that Queensryche were totally going for but missed on Hear In The Now Frontier, and it ends.

Hmmm.
Damn Interesting album.
It was like a roadmap, a portal. An onscreen, dial down the opacity on the top image transition between 1994 and 2001 (It was made in 1996 btw) that allowed you to hear the future while still being comfortably safe around the release of Urban Discipline.

It was also, guitar tone and tom sound wise, amazingly produced. Sometimes, the rap based nature of the songs made certain key sections less absolutely raging than they could’ve been (and therefore became triple-A hit classics like you ‘Fucking Hostiles’ and your ‘Davidians’ – something also not helped by it being hard to make out the lyrics, and generally too-quiet vocals) but other than those mechanical reasons that make it not a ‘holy fuck this is the best thing I’ve ever heard’ sort of an album, it is intellectually, an album that I’d rate 10/10. It may miss out on a bit of that gut-stimulating phwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh thing that just magically makes “Suicide Note Prt. 2” better than the deep cuts of Static X’s debut, (x-factor) but on every other level possible, this is a damn fine record, well deserving of its reputation, and instantly hereby recommended by me to you.

[Intrinsic factor, on the other hand, is necessary for the absorption of Vitamin B12 and without it you would have pernicious anemia]

[During an action potential, sodium channels open, and sodium rushes into the cell, altering the polarity, then potassium channels open and potassium channels go out of a cell, reversing the polarity again, then becuase everything is on the wrong side of the cell membrane, the sodium-potassium pump, energized by Adenosinetriphosphate, changes shape to get sodium out and potassium back in.]

[Irrelevant Side Note]

Wish me luck.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Volume 45: Foo Fighters – The Color And The Shape

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Volume 45: Foo Fighters – The Color And The Shape

This is the forty-fifth entry of my blog series ‘First Impressions.’ In each entry of the series I write about discovering an influential or genre-classic album for the first time and then write about that experience in a semi-planned, semi-stream of consciousness manner that is less helpful than a traditional album-review, but which does contain more personal flavour.

I prefer my reviews to be serious and informative. ‘First Impressions’ allow for a more director’s commentary approach. I can be silly and talk bollox, or make points that only a handful of people will understand. Usually I will deliver insights into my history with similar music as well as into how my mind works and how both of these things change over time. You will have to either possess a fairly detailed understanding of Rock and Metal history and Subgenre conventions or have a second tab open at Wikipedia to fully follow every single point that I make, but don’t let that put you off…I’m not honestly expecting you to know every single riff or tone I’ll point out off by heart.

Now before I get into things, I’d like to take a completely unrelated side note to thank Bozemanbiology on Youtube for existing. I’ve been struggling all week to keep Anatomical and Physiological information in my head, such as what is made in Chromaffin cells, How Blood Groups work, Which hormones come from the anterior pituitary vs. which come from the posterior pituitary, The difference between red and yellow bone marrow, how mitosis and meiosis differ etc.

Bozemanbiology and their teacher Mr. Anderson are the best thing ever for getting that sort of thing clear in your head. Clear, informative, amusing videos with a great personality. All for free on Youtube. Awesome.

Now.

Taking a break from revision, popular demand (PAUL-pular demand) calls for a new First Impressions to be released before 2pm. I oblige.

This edition will be about The Foo Fighters third and possibly most popular album, The Colour And The Shape. Something that’s been in my vicinity all my life, but that I’ve never totally got into.

When most of my peers think of Dave Ghrol they think of a sentence like ‘The Nice Guy Of Rock.’ And a Foo Fighters song. When the generation above me think of him, they think about Nirvana.

My immediate Dave Ghrol mental image is of him as he was on the QOTSA Troubadour concert bonus DVD. I actually painted a picture of that at school.

Come to think of it. I now always also remember him on the Lemmy documentary talking to Lemmy about Little Richard being Black and Gay in the South in the 1950s.

Also, while typing this, I remembered that MTV2 sock puppet thing, and also the pro-smoking advertisement he did as a joke.

The Foo Fighters themselves though, much like The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, were a band for everyone else. All my friends liked them. All the people who didn’t like Metal, but played instruments in school liked them. I remember what a big deal it was when their double album In Your Honour was released and I’d see dozens of people who I never knew liked Rock music exchange it in hallways or the canteen.

I’ve always loved a few Foo Fighters songs. ‘The One,’ ‘One By One,’ ‘Disenchanted Lullabye,’ and ‘Breakout’ being the prime candidates. I’ve also quite enjoyed ‘Low’ ‘My Hero’ and also the tracks ‘Staked Actors’ and ‘The Pretender’ which I heard very late into their existence. I’ve not heard their new album which everybody love though.

I actually once bought the CD single of ‘Times Like These’ and I have their cover of Pink Floyd’s ‘Have A Cigar’ in my iTunes although I haven’t heard it in many years. I think it was on the same MI2 Soundtrack cd that had Metallica’s ‘I Disappear’ and Rob Zombie’s ‘Scum Of The Earth’ on it.

But some Foo Fighters things always annoyed me. Comedy Videos. I always had a problem with comedy videos for some reason. I used to watch hours and hours of music videos, and things like ‘Learn To Fly’ annoyed me a lot as a teenager. Maybe also a sort of tribal, territorial, subconscious jealousy of their popularity among people I disliked. Who knows. Teenagers are pricks. Especially me at the time.

I never got into them properly as a band. They are more of a thing. And a thing for other people. Like, Star Wars. Its not a film anymore. Or Pro Evo computer games. Or, getting drunk. Like MTVs Jackass. Other people go nuts for it, I see a few sketches and laugh, but I’d never buy a DVD.

I’ve been played moments of just about all their albums, but none of it really sticks. I remember there’s a song for all the cows. And a lot of limp, unexciting blandness.

[Play]

‘Doll’ opens up like one of the tracks on The Wall that show how depressed Pink is. Its all on-a-handheld-radio sounding. It then wafts into life, reminding me a bit of Incubus’ Morning View album. Then a big drum fill. And the third track ‘Hey Johnny Park’ comes on. Hmmm. Shuffle was on.

So. Moving it back, ‘Monkey Wrench’ comes on. I always liked this one too, come to think of it. Its just a really hooky, pleasant song. It appeals to the part of me that likes Green Day and tried to like Blink 182 and The Offspring but failed to. The bits where he says ‘one in ten’ are surprisingly heavy. The end of this song is really good. I forgot about Taylor Hawking being a good drummer. I remember enjoying him a lot on the Coheed And Cambria documentary.

Next up comes ‘Hey, Johnny Park’ again. It started out a bit rocking. Then it moves soft. I’ve never heard Dave use that voice before. Then it goes into this half-heavy, but ultra soft and melodic sort of pre-chorus for a chorus that never comes. I reminds me a lot of Incubus again, and some of the little guitar notes sound like RHCP. The second time around, that pre-chorus that’s actually a chorus makes a better impression. Then when the bit-rocking bit from the intro comes back in, its really exciting, its got a sort of post-hardcore feel. Well, if not for the production. This is quite enjoyable song. The end where they go a bit stompy is good.

Next ‘My Poor Brain’ slithers on screen, in the theater of the mind, in the land of ear, in the galaxy of tortured metaphores, in a sort of Mars Volta-esque noise fest, soon transitioning into a super soft jaunty intro. The way the drums work when the heavy bit comes in are very In Utero. I wonder if Dave wrote that drum beat?
That heavier bit comes back and is good. Then extends into a new also rockin part that is also good. Then this really slidey Atom Heart Mother sounding guitar lead that totally changes the song’s mood. This is a pretty decent song all around.

‘Wind Up.’ That’s what’s next. It comes on. With some feedback and noise. When it kicks in it sounds for half-a-second like its going to sound like The Darkness’ ‘Love Is Only A Feeling’ then actually turns out to be the closest thing to Nirvana that I’ve ever heard by The Foo Fighters. It also reminds me a tiny bit of Jimmy Eat World when it goes into this middle bit with a sort of guitar solo. I like Dave’s voice when he gets screamy and the song is very cool when he does that heavy version of the previous bit. I can see how the band appeals to all sorts of rock fans. They have a lot of that thing that makes heaviness good, but they hide it behind screens of pleasantness that stops it alienating too many fans of exclusively soft things.

‘Up In Arms’ is all over the place. Lots of different moods in a short time. Its very Pearl Jam. It reminds me of a mixture of ALL the songs on Lost Dogs, and also ‘Mankind’ off of No Code. Its so happy and sad at the same time. Its bitter sweet. When the scooped chug comes in, it sounds like a mixture of Green Day’s ‘Redundant’ and ‘Waiting’ emotionally, but much faster. Its brief, its punchy, its gone.

Next up comes a surprise cover of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Bonzo’s Montreaux’ or Mushroomhead’s ‘Harvest The Garden’ says a racist. A racist in a world where drum intros are an ethnicity. That’s not this world though, so ‘My Hero’ comes on. I like it. The way the drums and bass lock it feels like a Down song is going to come in, but then the alternative squawk of the guitar comes in and changes the direction. Hmm. I never noticed how much the verses of this song sound like Jetplane Landing. The chorus happens, I liked it already. Then there’s the very Coheedy post-chorus “dung-dedda-dung-dada.” Halfway through, it builds up, then has this new bit that sounds like Load era Metallica for the briefest of moments and then does the chorus again only its more lively somehow. The way the drums work remind me of Coheed’s cover of GOTYE’s ‘Someody That I Used To Know.’

Next up is ‘See You.’ It reminds me of ‘Dilly-boys’ ‘Cyclops’ ‘Never Never’ and ‘I Got Sweets’ by The Libertines all mixed into one. There’s also something about it that feels like it could fit on Green Day’s Nimrod album. It also sounds like it could transition into the King Of The Hill theme tune at any moment. But it doesn’t. More’s the pitty.

‘Enough Space’ glitches around next. Then has a very Nirvana sounding bass line. And some noisy guitar. Ok. Where are you going with this Mr. Ghrol? Ok. Now a soft bit. Nope. Soft + Noise. Then the loud. And another cycle of that sequence. I’m not sure how to feel about this one. Oh. The bit that breaks that sequence is awesome. Very QOTSA. Then the chorus and it ends.

‘February Stars’ is next. It’s all soft and ballady and pleasant. It sounds romantic. The drums work on Pearl Jam mechanics. Its refreshingly constant-soft. It reminds me of Seagulls and loss. Ughh. They broke it with a loud bit. Now its kind of like, lost its appeal.

Mega-single ‘Everlong’ comes on. It is good. Its quite bittersweet too. Its so established in my brain already that I have literally nothing else to say. So instead I’ll tell you that there was an experiment to see what LSD did to elephants. They give it a really high dose injection and it flipped out and dropped dead. Then years later they give some smaller doses in their water and they survived. Also, Aldosterone is a steroid hormone released from the Adrenal Medulla that promotes water retention at the nephrons of the kidney by making them retain sodium, which the water osmotically follows, that therefore raises blood volume (as the water in the blood not is lost in urine) and by increasing the amount of blood that the heart needs to push around, blood pressure is increased.

‘Walking After You’ comes on and is the same as ‘I’ll Be Coming Home Next Year’ according to my hazy memory. Its like an Alternative era reinterpretation of The Saw Doctor’s ‘Claire Island.’

The last song is ‘New Way Home’ which is a bit of a mystery. I’m not sure what it wants to be. Its pleasant enough. It gets going with a cool build-up quite late into it. I goes a bit rockin.

Then the album is over.

It was ok. I kind of feel like I didn’t listen to it though. It had a bit more life to it and unexpected directions than the bland Sludge I’d been thinking of the Foo Fighters as.

I kind of can’t concentrate on it though. My mind is excited by Armored Saint, Angra, 7 Seconds, SS Decontrol, Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat, Madball, Twisted Sister, Exhumed, Mortician and Cattle Decapitation at the minute (odd mix) because I was amending THE LIST and kind of got lost in a rabbit hole. A rabbit maze. A rabbit haze. Purple Rabbit. Purple haze. Look. I don’t particularly care about the Foos right now. The album kind of passed by unnoticed, even with me documenting it.

Not a new favourite. Better than expected, but not a new favourite. Cheery-bye.

[Side Note: is there anything better in a music video than the way Blaze Bailey pumps his first in 'Manhunt' or the way he points at the card with "manhunt" written on it, like some kind of Heavy Metal Mrs. Doyle in New Jack City.]

All This Internet Negativity About Radio Friendly Metal Bands:

I’ve already discussed that the Metal-Internet-Culture could do with dropping all its nasty homophobic language when people want to insult bands that they dislike.

Here’s a thing though. Why do people seem so very, very opposed to any Metal bands with a bit of success or a bit of money, or more fans than usual?

What exactly is wrong with Melodic over-comercial Radio-friendly Metal bands succeeding anyway? I’m not saying you should like them, I’m just saying maybe you should stop being quite so venomous in your opposition to them. We need. Nobody gets into Metal through Necrosadistic Goat Tortue; We need pop-Metal to get people into good Metal, so that there is enough interest and therfore money to keep things going.

Ok. So its the 80s and you don’t like Poison, its the 90s and you don’t like Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit, or its nowadays and you don’t like Bring Me The Horizon, Five Finger Death Punch or Bullet For My Valentine. Fair enough. But those bands helped you get into Metal, and they helped Metal stay economically viable enough so that you could keep enjoying it. You hear a few commercial songs and like them, you pay more attention to Metal overall, you get exposed to some semi-commercial stuff, if you like it you delve deeper, and get exposed to “credible” stuff. And hey presto, the “credible” bands have more fans, so they can afford to make a new album you end up enjoying, or play a show close enough to you that you can attend, or get into a Magazine for you to learn more about them.

You need these sorts of bands to sell magazines (which also feature good bands) and tours (where good bands can support) and advertising time on TV channels (which can show good bands in between all the commercial stuff) and sell records (so that studios, producers, and yes, smaller record companies can stay in operation and good bands can get to use them, or at least the associated benefits of them existing, such as tour managers and tour advertisements and whatever else) so that all around, all the good, artistic and heavy bands can etch out a living behind them.

If only the bands who were respectable enough to please the Death-To-False-Metal internet troll crowd existed, all the bands they actually do like would have to break up due to being penniless, because the platforms on which their careers are built would crumble and fade without the commercial bands bringing in new fans and money. Its an economic necessity for the health of Metal overall that there are light, catchy and yes even gimmicky bands bringing in the cash.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Volume 44: Van Halen – 1984

FI 44: VH – 1984

Due to popular demand (one request) I’ve written a new First Impressions article before 2pm.

…And in case you were wondering, this is the forty-fourth entry of my blog series ‘First Impressions.’ In each entry of the series I write about discovering an influential or genre-classic album for the first time and then write about that experience in a semi-planned, semi-stream of consciousness manner that is less helpful than a traditional album-review, but which does contain more personal flavour.

I prefer my reviews to be serious and informative. ‘First Impressions’ allow for a more director’s commentary approach. I can be silly and talk bollox, or make points that only a handful of people will understand. Usually I will deliver insights into my history with similar music as well as into how my mind works and how both of these things change over time. You will have to either possess a fairly detailed understanding of Rock and Metal history and Subgenre conventions or have a second tab open at Wikipedia to fully follow every single point that I make, but don’t let that put you off…I’m not honestly expecting you to know every single riff or tone I’ll point out off by heart.

If you want your own First Impressions article done, just suggest it in the comments. I’ll give anything a shot. This one is about Van Halen’s ‘1984.’ But then you knew that already, didn’t you?

Before Easter I got a boxset of all the David Lee Roth era Van Halen albums. I’d been intrigued by them ever since I saw Freaks And Geeks and was on a classic rock sort of a bender, replaying all my Kiss and Heart and Zeppelin albums over and over and also belatedly getting into Deep Purple.

I’ve done a First Impressions article already about their debut, which will have all the other history with them covered. Since then, I’ve quite come to like the band, and their star-jumping, back-flipping, enthusiastic front man who looks like the stereotype so-cal surfer-dude but sounds like Deep Purple’s Ian Gillan when he does the 1950s impersonation that he does (eg. ‘Space Truckin’ or ‘Lucile’)

I’ve actually put off listening to 1984 purely because I knew there was a First Impressions in it, so while I’ve been listening to their first four albums relatively frequently (albeit mostly in shuffle form, as opposed to album order, which I’ve only done once or twice).

I’ve put off listening to Diver Down too, but for no apparent reason. I don’t even know why.

I do occasionally hear ‘Jump’ sneaking into my ears when walking to or from Uni with my phone shuffling tracks, and I never noticed all the good bits in it before I got the boxset. Y’know, ‘Ro-oo-oll with the punches’ or the drums in the back of the ‘got my back against the record machine’ bit.

The album opens up with ‘1984’ which reminds me of Dio era Sabbath intros. I expect Mob Rules or Neon Nights to kick in after about 10 seconds of this. It also reminds me of the soundtrack to Blade Runner.

Then comes mega-single ‘Jump,’ the song with the happiest hook I can think of right now. What’s weird is when you analyse it, you’ve got these Bonham-esque drums, a robot playing bass and what is quite clearly Peter Criss singing, and a really spacious mix. You could move two pianos in all that space. After listening to cramped mixes like Decapitated its kind of surprising to hear something you could swing a cat in.

Then there’s that guitar solo. And the proggy drum-confusion bit that follows. And the Dream Theater/Yes/Genesis sounding keyboard solo. Then there’s a version of the main bit that fades out with just a touch more guitar that makes it sound like the end of a teen film, like the end of the Breakfast Club where the tough-kid who laid the princess walks away all happy, and then just before its totally faded out the drums get heavier.

On first listen, years ago, I thought it was a really simple, stupid and un-rock song with nothing but a cheesy video to offer, and some years after that was surprised to find out they were guitar-driven enough to get their own Guitar Hero game. I suppose that’s what happens when you don’t listen to a whole song all the way through or only use one song to judge a whole career on.

Next up comes ‘Panama’ which for me is associated exclusively with the movie ‘Superbad’ and exists in no other context. Hmm. Listening to the intro it reminds me really of Judas Priest’s ‘Take These Chains’ ‘Heading Out On The Highway’ and ‘Private Property.’ There’s this recurring two-second Black Sabbath riff that comes in inappropriately before each chorus that’s really pleasing to the ear. Here, have a second of Metal. Also, what it really reminds me of during its chorus, its stomping, forward-momentum chorus, is Pantera’s ‘Proud To Be Loud,’ seriously, check them both out and see they work on the same logic.

The guitar solo reminds me of Saved By The Bell.

Then it goes all slow and sad and it reminds me of the same rain-soaked film-noir streets with alcoholic detectives that I’ve brought up in the AC/DC entry. I like when he says ‘Aint No Stoppin Nooooow’ and the ‘Now’ stretches between two distinct sections of music over a silence, my favourite trick in music. Imagine a deleted scene 2/3rds of the way through Brick where Brain drunkenly stumbles around puking outside and Irsih themed bar, lamenting the girl who got away. Or just remember the time Bunk ended up in the bath, but substituent the bath for an old fashioned anthill mob car.

Next is a love song, written about me and my struggles against Officer Dibble, ‘Top Jimmy.’ It has a weird mixture of ‘In My Time Of Dying’ sounding slide Guitar and ‘You Know You’re Right’ sounding harmonic flicking.

When it kicks in with a bustling quick drumbeat it sounds like Lynryd Skynyrd doing their playing-in-a-honeky-tonk-bar routine. Then this slow really metallic backing part while the exciting to the point of being daft guitar solo goes off. The mixture of everything is such a bizzare schizophrenic mess that should be confusing and weird but sounds seamless and smooth somehow. I remember it being said of Annihilator’s Jeff Waters that he’s the Eddie Van Halen of Thrash Metal, and I can see why. Using backwards logic, I can see how Eddie Van Halen is the Jeff Waters of Classic Rock.

[Side Note: I also like Tool’s ‘Jimmy’ and Green Day’s ‘St. Jimmy.’ Is it that there are no bad ‘Jimmy’ songs or am I biased?]

Next comes ‘Drop Dead Legs’ which opens with some clean-ish, yet distorted-ish arpeggios and it feels like it could kick into either ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ or ‘Knockin On Heaven’s Door’ at any moment. Some cowbells and stick clicks. Then it takes a sort of hard hitting on the drums AC/DC direction. The vocals sound like Gene Simmons at the end of sentences and Peter Criss at the starts of them. The guitar I don’t really understand. But then after the chorus, they do this cool thing briefly where they shlurp back up into themselves, doodlydoodlydoop- doodlydoodlydoop- doodlydoodlydoop. Then some guitar on its own. Then the verse again. At points it reminds me of ‘Women In Love.’

Then he goes kind of heavy, and it reminds me a bit of ZZ Top’s ‘Just Got Paid’ but the constant ride-bell sounds like some weird industrial Trent or Antichrist-era-Manson thing. The solo is working along some bizzare Steve Howe logic I cant follow.

Next up comes a bunch of double kicks, then what is essentially a drum solo, cymbals come in then it sounds like ‘Fireball’ by Deep Purple, then a guitar comes in doing some neoclassical stuff, then it all kicks off sounding almost Thrashy. Then, some dialogue. What do I think the Teacher’s going to look like? This song is a slippery shit too. I can’t get my brain-mits on it because it shifts tone so often. Its Heavy Metal one minute, 1950s sounding the next, its got a slight Jazzy tinge, then there’s the silly dialogue.

I remember seeing about six seconds of the music video at the age of about 15 and deciding I’d never like it. Teenagers are dicks. It’s a good song. And a lot of fun. Maybe Randy The Ram was right… why can’t we have a good time?

‘I’ll Wait’ opens up sounding remarkably like A-Broadsword era Jethro Tull. It must’ve sounded so futuristic at the time. I’m sat here expecting another ‘Flyingdale Flyer’ ‘Black Sunday’ or ‘The Clasp’ to come in and take over. Will it? Don’t disappoint me now Van Halen. It’s the sort of thing that should be in the soundtrack to one of those films like War Games or Short Circuit. That kind of Kids-meet-the-milatary-in-the-80s sort of film.

There’s a neat little touch where he puts extra little shnuffles into the hi-hat. The chorus is enjoyable 80s-fare. Then there’s a breakdown that’s a mixtue between spacey prog and lots of drum fills. Then it klerps back together again into a coherent slow rock part with cool and surprisingly straight forward guitar solos. (For him). Yeah. I like that song. Like a Banana with other Bananas beneath it, its Top-Banana.

‘Girl Gone Bad’ opens up with this threatening sounding and emotionally intense opener that sounds more like something 65 Days Of Static or Explosions In The Sky would do than they flashy cocks-out mess-but-not-rock of Van Halen so far. Then it kicks off into this like Diamond Head covering ‘The Song Remains The Same’ sort of feel. Its really powerful. The bends on the chorus are awesome. The whole guitar thing is very Jeff Waters and Dimebag… says backwards historian. This song is awesome. Some of the Fills are incredible. There’s this breakdown bit with solos, followed by this really cymbal-heavy bit with solos, that’s followed by this brilliant Chris Addler sounding bit, with solos. That dup-diddi-dup-dup thing sounds like Lamb Of God. This song is fucking awesome. Some of the ends of bits work along such a Jeff Waters logic though. Well, also a Steve Howe logic. It reminds me a bit of ‘Going For The One’ as played by Cowboys era Pantera. And the end is awesome, where he just plays the absolute fuck out of the drums.

The last song is called ‘House Of Pain’ which has lots of heavy, hard Metallic sounds. Then it goes into these bizzare, slow-double-kick drum solo sounding verses with weird cat-screech guitars. After two of those and two of the rock bits. It goes into a surprisingly emotional sounding bit, then the build up from Deep Purple’s ‘Fireball’ then into a fast bit with solos, that gets heavier and heavier as it goes along until it trips and falls over a cowbell into this southern rock boathouse. Some alligators swim around synchronized swimming style for the last 30 seconds and it fades out while the band are getting really energetic.

The next song kicks in and is surprisingly heavy. It builds up into this absolutely thrashing…oh wait. Its ‘Eternal Nightmare’ by Vio-lence. Because iTunes played on. And they’re the next artist. And I’d already said ‘House Of Pain’ was the last song.

Well. There we go. That was ‘1984’ by Van Halen. It was a bit different than I expected. I was picturing something a bit more poppy, and synth driven. I thought it was their version of a Black Album, where they tamed down their wild musicality and had a big production job and gained all the new fans with their stripped down, less-crazy version of their core sound.

Apparently not, its another chaotic, bonkers collection of really unique tracks that can’t be pigeonholed. It’s the classic rock equivalent of a Protest The Hero or Sikth. Its ahead of its time that’s for sure.

I enjoyed the three big singles, but the three songs that close out the album are even better. Its an enjoyable record. Its light-on-filler, filled with quality, and supremely unique and personality-having. I’m not sure there’s anything else quite like it.

By the way. ‘Seiral Killer’ by Vio-lence is a fun song. Check it out too. If you like that sort of pounding, Beneath The Remains style Thrash. Which you do.

Now that I’ve got your attention though; another post about Blabbermouth and Youtube comments section problems: ‘Poser’ – really? In 2013 we’re still lowering ourselves to call bands and fans ‘Posers’ ? I get that it was a uniting thing for people like Gary Holt to do back in the 80s when very heavy Metal subgenres were held in genuine disregard by so many. A) Those people are cooler than you and B) That time has passed.

You don’t need to prove your Metal-credentials by saying ‘Death-To-False-Metal’ all the time, by saying that bands are ‘posers’ or anything else. Bands are there. They’re just options. You can like any of them. There’s loads of different choices out there and you like what you like and try what you try. You can like Burzum AND Bullet For My Valentine, You can like Necrosadistic Goat Torture AND Steel Panter, and to be honest, all the bands like Slipknot, Five Finger Death Punch and Avenged Sevenfold might not be as heavy as Deicide, but neither are AC/DC, Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath and you all like them.

Why all the negativity and faction-forming? Why lash out at things you don’t like? You’ll probably end up liking them a few years from now anyway. You get a new friend or girlfriend who likes a band you hate and increased exposure to that band can change your mind. That band put a song in a film or game you like and you can change your mind. Why flap your e-mouth so hard spilling out all this hate for something as constantly-changing and subjective as personal taste?
Why try and take the enjoyment of something away from others just because you aren’t getting it yet?

Why ironically pose as so metal, so true, so kvlt and then decry all the “poser bands.” Can’t you all have a bit more self-awareness and team-spirit? After all, you are probably going to end up drunk and singing along to either ‘The Final Countdown’ ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ or ‘In Too Deep’ anyway.

Things I Dislike / A Suggestion For Change:

Have you ever read the comments section on Youtube or Blabbermouth and noticed the thousands and thousands of comments with nasty and essentially homohpobic language there?

Have you ever wanted to insult a band that you think are un-metal or posers or too commercial or uncool whatever? Have you decided to call them ‘Fags,’ ‘Queers’ or ‘Benders’ or call their album ‘Gay’ or demand they ‘Stop their faggotry’ or whatever else.

If you are still so full of adolescent passion for music and haven’t yet grown to generally be accepting and open-minded about different types of music, motivations for making music and presentations of artists, then why chose to express it in this homophobic way?

Its become a staple of young Metal fans to use this sort of language, and really, its just inappropriate. Just because it already happens, new people are continuing it and perpetuating the problem. Why don’t we chose to stop acting this way and make very slight adjustments so as not to be so needlessly offensive?

Assuming you are not an actual homophobe (if you are, I guess this isn’t going to convince you to change your mind), and have gay relatives, friends, classmates, co-workers, employers or heroes (eg. Rob Halford) then why keep using all the anti-gay language online?

I get you want to insult a band you dislike, I remember how that felt. My suggestion however is just that you reword it. Imagine a world where you get into Rock music and all the fans are calling the bands the ‘N Word’ just because they sold out or aren’t heavy. It’d be ludicrous.

You want to insult a band? Then just call them ‘stupid’ or ‘rubbish’ or ‘crap’ or any number of regular, every-day insults that aren’t associated with hatespeak. I mean, I’ve seen the South Park episode that makes the point that some people are just used to talking that way, and don’t mean anything hateful by it, its just a convenient insult etc. But at the same time, its plenty convenient to just call something ‘shit’ as it is to call it ‘Gay shit.’

You see a Metal band with a glam aesthetic and radio choruses, why not try ‘Lightweight’ or ‘Silly’ instead of ‘bunch of faggots’? It still communicates they aren’t as credible as Slayer, but without appearing as if Metal fans are all gay-bashers.

Its disheartening to think of all the tribal and communal benefits about metal that everyone likes to talk about, to see people in documentaries tout the unity and brotherhood and all that stuff that supposedly makes Metal fans so great, and then see that all come falling down every single time you look on the comments sections and see that we look as if gay people aren’t welcome.

So. I guess, Please stop using homophobic language unnecessarily, you’re making us all look like assholes. If you’ve got to insult something, just use a normal insult please.

First Impressions Volume 43 – Motely Crue – Dr. Feelgood

First Impressions Volume 43 – Motely Crue – Dr. Feelgood

Do worse in an exam to cure the temporary discomfort of revision-sickness? You bet!

[.....We’re here live at Kincrimsonprog Towers to give you up-to-the-minute cover of the breaking news that Motorhead frontman James Hetfield, is set to enter the British Karate tournament, UFC, in an unexpected title-fight against Hurricane Katrina.

…in related news. Legendary Director of the movie ‘Clerks,’ Albert Einstein, is joining me here at ringside, to deliver a blow-by-blow commentary of his illegitimate love child, Roger Ebert, assembling a tumble-drier blindfolded.

For those of our audience reading from Planet Earth, this service may be replaced fully, or in-part with “FI:43 Motley Crue – Doctor Feelgood” in line with local policy. .....]

Motley Crue. Yeah. A long time coming. I’ve wanted to read The Dirt for about a decade now but have not gotten around to it yet. I remember in school a big portion of my peer group either loving or at least experimenting with Motley Crue.

I remember hearing brief snippets of ‘Girls Girls Girls’ while channel-hopping. I remember being shown the uncharacteristically groove metal ‘Smoke The Sky.’ I remember them coming up in almost every documentary about music I’ve watched in the last two years.

I remember them constantly coming up on The Metal Hammer Podcast.

I remember very recently being converted to W.A.S.P and semi-liking Quiet Riot and wanting more of that.

I remember pressing play just a few seconds ago.

[[….,Hetfield blocks, those Bass Playing skills he put into use on Motorhead’s hit single ‘Stairway To Heaven’ are coming in useful now,…]]

The album opens up with the awfully titled ‘T. N T. [Terror 'n Tinseltown]’ and a sample of dialogue calling for Dr. Davis that I’d swear was in Operation Mindcrime and the first episode of Awkward. – Its not the exact same. But it is exactly the same, if you get me. The otherwise ambigious intro gives me no clue as to what I’m in for. It could be anything.

Or what the person in the song is in a hospital for. Probably Herpes.

Awww. OD. When the music properly starts, it turns out to be the next song. That song is the Title Track. Its heavier than I’d expect. Well, I say that and then the ride’s bell and cowbell both come in, with that sleazy GnR riff. Its very Post-Appetite.

Its very catchy too. It reminds me a bit of Skid Row’s debut too. I like how some of the hanging chords interrupt the previous section and eachother. Oooh. Good lead guitar bit. Fun drum personality too.

I prefer the vocals when they are lower, and don’t like them when they’re a bit higher e.g. “he’s gonna be your Frankenstein.”

Then the intro bit comes back. Oh. Guitar solo. Fantastic guitar solo. I remember James Gill talking about what an underrated Guitar-hero Mick Mars was and how he was the lead-guitar inspiration for tonne of bands you wouldn’t expect.

I like this song. I like it a lot. I love the energy of this next stompy bit with the quiet solo. Ok. It faded out. So far, so not shit.

And despite thinking I’d love their first two albums, I suspected I may hate this based on all the covers of their Greatest Hits albums. The modern photo one, the caricature one…yuk. Give me Douglas Renholm’s caricature any day.

[[…., and what a blow by Huricane Katrina,…]]

‘Slice Of Your Pie’ comes in next. It reminds me a bit of both ‘Ice Cream Man’ and ‘Women and Children First’ by Van Halen. Until it drops a fat Black Sabbath riff out’ve nowhere. Seriously. That’s what Tony Iommi would sound like on a beach with a convertible car.

I can’t help wanting to compare it to Warrant’s hit song ‘Uncle Tom’s – OF COURSE I MEANT ‘Cherry Pie.’ – The reverby snare, the hair metal sound, the pie. All make my brain want to compare them. They’re actually too dissimilar for that to work in reality. Especially when it takes the weird ‘Black Hole Sun’ turn.

Some artistic prowess I’dve discounted in a song about Pie.

Pie 2, Revenge of the Pie is followed by ‘Rattlesnake Shake,’ which has the strange quality of sounding like Skid Row, but not sounding like the Skid Row song ‘Rattle Snake Shake.’ Its kind of cool. The way the riff works reminds me of Slash. I can see his knee raising and falling to it. There is like a horn section in the chorus that is off-putting for me. And a funk-jungle middle that sounds like it should be about a lion that don’t take no jive from nobody. The little tingly keyboards do it no favours. They give it this bad-part-of-Lynyrd Skynyrd feeling that it could’ve done without.

[[…., This stage-invasion by Katrina’s manager Kim Jong Un is surely going to cause a forfeit when the referee discovers that he’s clim….]]

Then they start a Metal cover of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love.’ Only decide to call the song ‘Kickstart My Heart,’ for reasons presumably to do with tax avoidance, airline routes or angle-fishing. Never go angle-fishing without a protractor.
Then they decide not to play Led Zeppelin songs anymore and inject their own flare into the track. Been listening to MC5?

Oh. It does that thing I absolutely love. I don’t know what its called. Maybe walking-the-snare. Kiss do it on the track ‘You Wanted The Best.’ Its one of my favourite things in music.

The hanging chords when he says, ‘My heart…my heart’ are really what I want to hear right now. The whole thing is just doing it for me actually. If I wanted to listen to Hair Metal, this is what I’d hope it sounded like. Not a Great White ballad. This. This kind of loud, energetic fun.

I’m not totally sold on the singer yet. The bit where it goes all quiet I’m not sure about either. But I imagine it’d be less jarring with familiarity. The talk box solo is great. The only better one I’ve heard is that Foo Fighters one with the date and the dog leg-humping.

They always remind me of Mick from Slipknot. Did he do one? How… with that Mask in the way n all.

[[Hefield fighting back, he’s managed to land four or five decent body-shots on the tropical storm, after that embarrassing last round….]]

Next up is what seems like an undesirable ballad. Its called ‘Without You.’ Its not what I’m looking for right now. Jeez. I can hear an absolute tonne of Avenged Sevenfold in it though. I see the influence didn’t extend solely to eyeliner and nail varnish.

This song sounds like Christmas. And like it doesn’t have the guts to be a proper ballad yet. It seems like they’d strip it down to just acoustic live, but they are trying to prove some ‘we have grit’ point on this record and don’t want to drop a soppy ballad, despite label pressure, so are compromising with a “hard ballad.” That’s the sound I am getting. Might be waaaaay off. But that’s the picture I’m getting. Also some of it is very Grungey. More Soundgarden. Whudathunkkit. Wasn’t he the politician with the guide dog?

Next up is ‘Same Ol Situation [S.O.S]’ which has an awful intro, but kicks into a very promising main verse with a sort of Southern Feel, that reminds me a bit of GnR’s ‘Night Train’ by way of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s good parts.

When he says ‘I Say No No No’ the ‘No’ backing vocals are the absolute thing I think of when somebody says Hair Metal. They are what Crue have in common with Posion and Warrant even though the music is so different.

The song has some cool ideas, a lot of bass-character and brilliantly produced double kick flaps in the stripped-down bit. But overall, this is a bit of a forgettable one for me.

[[…,And the winner, The New Age Outlaws!!!!...]]

That is followed by ‘Sticky Sweet’ which apparently is written about the late Adolph Hitler. I’m surprised that Crue got away with that sort of material in the…what’s that?….another sex-and-girls song you say?

The guitars and drums are cool, but the vocals and all the extra touches I could live without. I think Vince Neil is no Blackie Lawless, that’s for sure. And definitely no Axl Rose or Seb Bach. Where’s the energy of ‘Out To Get Me’ or ‘Sweet Little Sister’ ? Its on those songs. That’s where it is. Its not on Motely Crue songs. That’s where its not.

The bit in the middle with all the guitar solos is more up my street. The song feels a bit depressed though. Not sadness depressed. I mean, like, pushed down. Like it feels like a weight has squished the song a bit. I wonder if this version has the mastertape playing at only 85% speed or something. Its just a bit weird.

Well anyway. That goes away. ‘She Goes Down’ comes on and has a promising intro. It then goes on another slightly southern sound. Its got heaps and heaps of Van Halen to it. It too sounds a bit depressed. I can see it kicking off live. But its lacking a bit of umph here.

Vince Neil, for being such a rock star has a real lack of star appeal to these ears. I think my favourite contributions to the album are those of what I suspect to be Mick Mars. Although I did get pretty fat as a child from eating a lot of Mars bars, so I’m a bit reticent to praise anything to do with Mars these days.

But anyway I write all that to distract myself from the fact that the song was a bit dull.

‘Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)’ is another hard ballad. It reminds me a bit of my favourite of all the Kiss-ballads ‘Hard Luck Woman.’ Its got a lot of flavor, its not cheesy or off-putting like I may have feared when I heard the phrase “Motely Crue Ballad” in my teens. I really like it in fact. I think it’s the best song on the album so far. When it picks up a bit of a stompy beat, the riff really, really works like a Paul Stanley riff. Its so, so close I’d swear it was a Kiss cover if I heard it on its own without the rest of the music.

Well that’s that over. Good song.

[[…,Mr. Ass, Mr. James, how do you feel about securing the championship despite not competing in any way?...]]

The album ends with ‘Time For A Change’ which takes the unusual step of also being a ballad. Who ends a ballad with TWO ballads? Overkill much? – I’m not suggesting that Overkill end albums with two ballads. No. Bobby Blitz has more taste. I mean overkill in the sense you bloody well knew I meant.

Anyway. It opens up sounding a bit like Christmas also, then drums kick in and it sounds like a weird mixture of The Beatles, Elton John and Streets era Savatage.

I like it. Its not as good as the previous ballad. But, I’d happily nod along to it at Christmas time in Asda, or at Live Aid, or at the end of an episode of The Vicar Of Dibley where that farmer dies but they couldn’t get the rights to November Rain in time and had to improvise.

[…brought to you by Fleshlite, the low-calorie human skin….]]

And that’s the album over. Hmmm. A bit short. A bit lightweight. The reason that the W.A.S.P album was so good was that it was a non-stop steamroller of Judas Priest sounding Trad Metal classics energetically launched at you, but with a fun L.A. tinge on the outsides to make you not just say ‘Preist-rippoff’ and dismiss it.

This had lots of bits I liked, but frequently lost ‘umph.’ I liked the Title Track, and ‘Kickstart My Heart,’ and the second of the three ballads the most. The rest of it reminds me of the songs on Skid Row’s first album that I don’t remember as much as the best ones, with Slash’s knee a’bobbin thrown in visually for good measure. Also Vince Neil did NOT do it for me.

Take this template, speed it up 20%, remove two ballads, and copy Judas Priest a bit more, then you’ve got yourself the album I want to hear. So. Shout At The Devil and Too Fast For Love it is…

[Side Note: does this count as revision? It is Doctor Feelgood after all. Plus I'm sure it contained plenty of information about Vaginas in the subtext.]